For the past several weeks, I was deciding whether i should open up about the details of an assault that happened to me five years ago. But i came up with a conclusion not to. I’m somewhat afraid of who will be able to read this, and I will not permit that individual to re-live that horrible nightmare of mine…
After my assault, there was confusion, fear, and depression that consumed my life for the next several months. Those were, by far the most difficult time in my life.
I was assaulted on a Thursday of finals week, after taking my last final of my night class.
I could not sleep, the nightmares were intense, and only intensified as i tried to repress the incident and trying to convince myself that “I was okay.” when i wasn’t.
I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid that once spring semester rolled in, he would try to find me and hurt me again. So out of desperation, I wrote a letter. Several of them, and sent them to the football coaches of my school.
I knew my assailant, and he knew me. Yet he choose to hurt me…
I can’t remember what exactly i wrote on that letter, nor do i remember if i had named him as my assailant. But the letter contained details of my assault, what he did to me, and that i wanted to be able to go back to school and that i wanted to him to face the consequences of his actions, it was simple cry for help. It wasn’t long ago until i receive a letter from lawyers representing the college. Instructed that i was to only speak to them and not tell anyone of the incident.
For the next several weeks, I kept getting phone hang-ups, threatening text messages. My breaking point had finally caught up when the detective showed up to my door looking for me.
I felt victimized all over again….
I tried yet again, to forget about the incident, but i was terrified, that he would retaliate against me. As i was about to walk into my class, there he was standing in front of me, piercing his brown eyes against me, i felt fear rush through my veins, i wanted to cry out and scream. But i froze, and he quickly turned to his left, avoiding me.
I quickly walked back home. I dropped all of my spring classes, and enrolled to College of the Sequoias. I didn’t feel safe at all. This son of a bitch made me run from the place i felt so safe from, a place i grew up in.
The college had hired a private detective, and he started calling me at my cell phone, leaving messages, and when i wouldn’t respond, he would call my mother’s store. He even showed up to my work, asking that if i can please speak to him about the incident.
I was scared, i didn’t know what to do. I called a friend whom i confided in and was a paralegal, she informed me of my rights and how better to approach the matter.
I had called the detective and the lawyers and asked them not contact me further, if anything to talk to my representative.
The school, and their legal team chose to ignore my request. Finally, the city detective came down to my mother’s store and asked that i needed to speak to them.
I honestly felt that there were invading my space, my privacy. I felted pushed and again i felt that the college wasn’t doing much to help. I wanted to talk about the incident, I wanted to talk to them and explain my side of the story. But not with him present in the room, I didn’t understand why i had to face him, and then the idea of trial, facing my assailant. I decided i didn’t want any part of it, I didn’t want to have to re live this nightmare open in court, where i was going to be judged.
Nightmare and rumors
I had worked as an intern for the student athletic training program in west hills, that is how i knew my assailant.
After the incident, all ties to the athletic administration were cut. The looks i would get, my mentor is the athletic trainer, with blatant attitude ignored me, i felted singled out. There was judgment passed. The girls i worked with even knew of the incident and blamed me for it. It hurt me because these were people i trusted, and grew up to admire.
I never felt so betrayed in my life. I was the most miserable person in the world. I wanted to die at this point because It was my fault that i wanted my attacker to responsible for what he did.
My nightmare’s became unbearable. I had dreamed that he and his friends attacked me, or that i was trapped inside the men’s locker room and they tried to hurt me. It really drove me to psychological trauma was how real these nightmare’s felt. I would wake up crying with my pillow wet from my tears, there was times where i couldn’t wake up, i was trapped in my nightmare’s, and my body was numb. And each nightmare i had, i dreamt the brown piercing eyes of his.
New friends, new hope.
I was working in the athletic training program at COS, i made friends with the head athletic trainer, this was in part that i was able to regain what i had lost back home. I needed a mentor to guide me. I promised myself that i would distance myself from the athletes at the school.
At first, everything seemed so easy, ignore them, refusing to be social. But for some reason, i felt like it wasn’t helping. i felt more depressed. I didn’t want to be alone, yet i didn’t want to another repeat of the incident. I didn’t know who this guys well to hang out with.
After my working hours, i headed out to Carls Jr. ( COS was probably the only community college with a restaurant on campus, so it was a walking distance.) There i saw nunu, 6’5 300 lb lineman, sat right next to me. Of course, ignored him, i tried to quickly eat my food and leave, but no. He tried small talk. I answered with a single word, just to kill the conversation.
"Why are you so shy?" he asked
" I’m not shy, i just don’t like talking." i responded.
I didn’t want one else to know my vulnerability, i acted strong even though i was weak.
It didn’t take long until this friendship took over. Jon was my mentor, a student at the time at Fresno State, whom i became close friends with. through him, i was able to be social with most athletes, and there i developed a great friendship with the softball girls at that school. for some reason those friendship were empowering to me because i didn’t feel so alone no more. I felt the love, that love cured most of my hurt, but not entirely, I still had my nightmare’s, but they weren’t so intense.
It became a daily ritual to hang out with Jon, nunu, and several interns and athletes from the college. I felt a sense of belonging, something that was taken away from me back home.
One day Jon approached me, he knew there was something wrong with me, asking me leading questions, i had a sense that he already sensed that i was trying to recover from a trauma, but he didn’t know exactly what that was. I acted it out, I grew up a sheltered person, and that it takes time for me to be social, that was my excuse, but he didn’t buy it.
Opening up and the healing process.
When the new football schedule came out for the college of sequoias, there it was game in September against west hills college. I was frightened, fear all over again. I made an excuse, I wasn’t going to be at the game that i had plans for that weekend. The head athletic trainer gave me the excuse to miss that game, but Jon knew that was my former school. He knew i was trying to avoid something.